5 essentials for a healthy relationship
Whether you’re casually dating, in a long-term relationship or just figuring it out, here are a few things to look for when it comes to creating healthy relationships.
1. Communication
One hallmark of a healthy relationship is the ability for partners to communicate openly with each other about how they’re feeling. This can also be an important step in building empathy and compassion for one another.
If it’s difficult to share our true feelings with a partner, and it may mean we need to work to build more trust within the relationship. Holding back feelings could mean that we aren’t sure how the other person will respond or what they will think of us. Oftentimes, especially in a new relationship, we may need to work with our partner to figure out ways to communicate effectively with one another.
Communication can become unhealthy when one partner in the relationship feels the need to influence the other person’s thoughts or behavior. In this situation, it can be helpful to establish boundaries. Expressing your needs and setting limits are just two examples of healthy boundary-setting. Remember that a healthy relationship is also one in which boundaries are honored.
2. Listening
Having someone listen to us and feeling heard is important. In a healthy relationship, both people should feel relatively comfortable bringing up issues, expressing themselves and listening to one another. While not every conversation is going to be easy, both partners should feel that they will be listened to and taken seriously.
When a person’s feelings or needs are ignored or not respected, the relationship can suffer. It’s important for both partners to make space for the other person. Compromise and ongoing communication are key in respecting each other’s feelings, needs and values. But compromise shouldn’t always be one way.
If one partner actively disrespects, ignores or demeans the other person, this is abusive behavior. Partners who behave this way may also treat someone’s ideas or feelings with contempt. CU’s Office of Victim Assistance (OVA) offers free and confidential support for students, staff and faculty who may be experiencing these types of behaviors in their relationship.
3. Disagreements
Disagreements and conflict are normal in any relationship. It’s common to have different preferences, beliefs and values from others, even loved ones. In some cases, conflict can be a sign that something needs to change within a relationship. Many times, couples who ignore or avoid conflict risk facing increased tensions and unmet needs. However, the way couples respond to conflict is more important than the conflict itself.
Working through a disagreement in a healthy way by talking respectfully and listening to understand each other is an important component of any relationship, whether it’s with a friend, family member or partner. We also can’t assume that someone can inherently see an issue from our point of view.
If disagreements turn into fights more often than not, it may be time to evaluate how you’re communicating with one another. Try using “I” statements to soften language and use assertive communication. For example, “I would like you to stop doing that,” is a healthier way to say, “you need to stop doing that.” You can download a free PDF with examples of active listening and “I” statements from Student Conduct and Conflict Resolution (SCCR).
If conflicts escalate and feel difficult to resolve, it may cause us to fear disagreeing with our partners because it may trigger a partner’s anger, abuse or violence. Partners may resort to belittling the other person during disagreements. These are all signs that it may be time to reach out for support. OVA provides confidential support and resources for students, staff and faculty who may be experiencing these types of behavior in their relationship.
4. Intimacy
Healthy relationships allow space for mutual intimacy and connection. This means partners are able to establish healthy boundaries and talk openly about emotional and physical desires as well as what that looks like for them in a relationship. This includes talking about sex, what you want and don’t want and what feels good (or doesn’t). These types of conversations require attention and regular check-ins with our partners. You can download a free Sex Ed Workbook that is designed to help you explore your beliefs about sex, what you desire from sexual experiences and strategies for discussing sex medical providers, partners and friends.
If one or both partners feel embarrassed or unwilling to say how they feel because they’re worried their partner may not listen or care, it can make intimacy more stressful than enjoyable. If one partner’s needs and wants are ignored or if they are pushed into situations that are upsetting or unwanted, this is a sign of abusive behavior. OVA provides free and confidential support and resources for students, staff and faculty who may be experiencing these types of behaviors in their relationship.
5. Trust
It’s important to maintain relationships outside of the one we have with our partner(s) in order to have a strong support system. In healthy relationships, significant others trust one another. Trust is about knowing that someone will do what they say. It also can mean that each person in the relationship feels free to spend time with other people in their life.
A relationship can become unhealthy when one person feels jealous every time their partner talks to or spends time with other people.
If one partner accuses the other of flirting constantly or tells their partner not to talk to or interact with certain people, these may be signs of abusive behaviors and mistrust. These types of behaviors can lead to feelings of isolation as well as symptoms of depression or anxiety. OVA provides free and confidential support and resources for students, staff and faculty who may be experiencing these types of behavior in their relationship.
Resources
If you or someone you know is currently experiencing unhealthy or abusive behaviors from a significant other or family member, there are resources that can help.
Resources for students
The Office of Victim Assistance (OVA)
OVA provides free and confidential trauma-specific counseling and advocacy for students, staff and faculty around various traumatic experiences, including intimate partner abuse and domestic violence. Call 303-492-8855 (24/7) to talk to an advocacy counselor. You can also browse more information related to Intimate Partner Abuse on their website.
Counseling and Psychiatric Services (CAPS)
CAPS works with students to address a variety of mental health concerns, including navigating relationships. They also offer process therapy groups to help students learn valuable skills related to building and maintaining healthy relationships with friends, family and romantic partners.
Don’t Ignore It
This free online resource can help students, staff, faculty and community members navigate reporting options and get help for themselves or others. If it feels wrong, it probably is. Don't ignore it.
International Student Support
Students who have experienced sexual assault or domestic violence may be eligible for U.S. immigration relief through the or , regardless of their immigration status. Please speak with an immigration attorney or a non-profit organization that assists immigrants to learn more about the eligibility requirements, application process, and timeline. .
Resources for staff and faculty
The Office of Victim Assistance (OVA)
OVA provides free and confidential support for students, staff and faculty around various traumatic experiences, including intimate partner abuse and domestic violence. Call 303-492-8855 (24/7) to talk to an advocacy counselor. You can also browse more information related to Intimate Partner Abuse on their website.
Faculty and Staff Assistance Program (FSAP)
FSAP staff are trained as generalist counselors and are equipped to deal with a wide range of personal and work related issues. They are here to provide free mental health services to all 鶹ѰBoulder employees, including workshops, brief individual therapy and couples counseling sessions.
Don’t Ignore It
This free online resource can help students, staff, faculty and community members navigate reporting options and get help for themselves or others. If it feels wrong, it probably is. Don't ignore it.
International Staff and Faculty Support
Staff and faculty who have experienced sexual assault or domestic violence may be eligible for U.S. immigration relief through the or , regardless of their immigration status. Please speak with an immigration attorney or a non-profit organization that assists immigrants to learn more about the eligibility requirements, application process, and timeline. .
Additional resources
SPAN provides a number of services to the Boulder community, including a 24/7 crisis line, shelter, counseling, legal advocacy, housing and transitional services and anti-violence education.
This organization can provide information on shelters and 24/7 hotlines throughout Colorado. They also provide other information related to intimate partner abuse and domestic violence specific to Colorado.
This hotline is available 24/7 and offers support in more than 200 languages at 1-800-799-7233. You can also chat with someone through their website at . All phone calls and chats are confidential.
The Trevor Project provides crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to LGBTQ+ communities. Access 24/7 support by calling 1-866-488-7386. Support is also available through .